Relationships when We Age - Intimacy & Acceptance

As we age, like in life, we change. Our bodies change, our values change and preferences change. We are in a need to update our thinking. 

Relationships are always a way of seeing how diverse we can be within ourselves and how we can relate to others. We can be so focused on dedication but forget about ourselves and space we need for ourselves. We can develop unhealthy dependence and requirements that no longer are important to us anymore. We have to have the hard conversations and time to understand these changes and adapt. It’s not easy to adapt because we create patterns good or bad that relate to disharmony or harmony. When we see that we want harmony; we take the space and time to do it. Talk and talk and yes, sometimes intense emotions occur and then revisit when we are calmer. We can get too comfortable thinking we know the other so well and not communicating and forgetting to demonstrate verbally what we want or are not getting anymore in a calmer way. Women want verbal appreciation or compliments when they put effort into what they do and society’s old system has programmed women their worth is staying forever young and when you age; you are not valuable from that criteria and that is false. Men need intimacy and visuals and verbal communications. Men also need appreciation for what they do and compliments. It’s mutual…it’s human and it’s needed and valuable. They too want to hang onto their youth when their hair thins and their muscles are not as bulky and their ability to perform sexually is their worth as a man stuck in time. 

We are not kind from our old values and systems on what is a valued human being. The human if so fortunate, live through the baby stage of life  to old age and we hope it is treating our temple of flesh like a temple and eating well, movement and exercise and experiencing new ways of eating for our age and exercising and enjoying life. Sometimes as a young adult we base our worth on the intensity and speed…the fire. Than we start to age and our bodies cannot do those things…some people turn to botox, body sculpting and shape undergarments, we add more artificial nails, eyes lashes and hair and we add more make up and start fighting age with creams or methods that make ourselves love ourselves again. It is best to embrace the aging process with a smile and not dread, not with armor but peace. When you look in the mirror; don’t put yourself down on what is ‘perfect’ by referencing young models not even adult age posing in magazines for your body and airbrushing. If we learned that getting older makes us a better person. We are the Wisdom Keepers here to share with gratitude we are thriving. How do we thrive to lead our youth? Not be fighting our aging process and dress tastefully. I have seen people dress in their 40s and onwards in clothing that is in their 20s. Why? Why not wear something that expresses you and your body shape. Just relax and eat well, exercise, dance, paint, draw, engage with people so you learn something new or a new outlook from them every day. Hang out with the youth and learn what they think and how to engage with them and they with you in harmony as they may even have a fresh outlook that can be included in updating our own relationships. Harmony with self is harmony with others.

As we age; we get set and we do have to reset. We have to understand we must be kind to our changing values and mindsets. We also have to understand the unconventional way both my husband and I agree is that monogamy and the system restricts the freedoms of what we want especially what we can and cannot do. It’s more restrictive naturally with children involved. We must be mature enough to know that raising a family is alot of responsibility. We cannot perform as we are single and in 20s all our lives and take in consideration not even our bodies and minds function at that same rate.

What’s so hard about monogamy; it’s not for sissies. Whenever you are born on this earth; it’s not for sissies at all. We are warriors in this temporary school of experiences. We can create harmony by joint effort and also give us freedom to explore different hobbies, classes, places one with nature. It’s not selfish to need that for each other and do it. We cannot be run by an old system of “shoulds” and “coulds' ' what a male or female needs to be. Lots of old relationship mindset tells a woman to give of her body to her man, make herself attractive, clean, cook, look terrific and raise the kids and that is what is due even if she herself is tired and stressed. The old paradigm that men are the breadwinners and all they need is their women to stimulate them and be ‘on’ or ‘off’ button for intimacy for his convenience. That’s slowly waning and people are not getting married into the old paradigm of marriage. The old paradigm as I said authorizes abuse and domination and ownership of the other. It needs updating so all are protected and fair if it works out or not. We should also have a system in this monogamy that it is not so dreadful to move on alone or to another person. That way sneaking around for an affair is not done behind someone’s back. It is fully understood when we outgrow each other and have put our best effort and tried and tried to be in harmony with monogamy. We learn to not leave each other financially dry and not make a spectacle of ourselves in order to get what is deservingly our share.  It is when we harm or hurt another that this is not monogamy nor is it the slave trader days. 

If children are at stake we model how we try to get along and if true effort we model peacefully ending and taking a break and not rebounding with the kids. We teach them there are pleasant beginnings and there can be pleasant and mutual endings. This takes maturity. Can we be mutually mature and fair and honest with each other? It is a need whether married, partnership or cohabitation. This also includes agreed upon polyamory as well. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend this with children…it’s too much to process who is the parent and who is authority and what type of relationships they want. You have to consider your children and if your actions are conflicting and remedy that for their own mental and physical health and well being. 

I have heard couples complain when older; she or he doesn’t put effort in looking attractive or healthy and for me to be more attractive to them. It’s not surgery or botox…simple maintenance and cleanliness and buying a new shirt or outfits or intimate apparel for both to be attracted to each other. No longer do men just lay there and the woman ‘gets busy’...that’s so archaic…Like servant to master. Maybe one role play but not an assumption a man forgets his looks and cleanliness and make effort as well to attract their mate. It is mutual. I found a man who wore the same intimate apparel for years despite being so old…put some effort into and get new things twice a year at least. Women do it more often because they too like to feel sexy and attractive for themselves is the mindset first than also to their man or partner. Yes the sex drive does lessen but that doesn’t mean it is so bad but if you are a hypersexual and have a high sex drive or sex addict…that is something within yourself you go to the sex therapist for and read about how aging and decline doesn’t mean your dead to sex before the grave. It’s an adjustment of attitude, understanding and being creative. You cannot perform like 20 if you are 50 onwards…you perform at a rate slower then a speeding bullet but then you get to understand a new rhythm, embrace each other and our own bodies and develop our own rhythm communicating what pleasures to each other. 

You see life has changed; we are aging and we adapt our way of intimacy and frequency. We adapt to clothing that makes our partner or spouse feel drawn to us and desire us. Not dress in our late 30s and 40s like a teenager and tastefully attractive and sexy. Your age is not to ignore this portion of your life. Your Passion should not die. If it is; look at yourselves and each other…what has changed and what is stagnant. Take the time to express and demonstrate what you need from your partner on both sides. Don’t forget the spice of life in the inner creative fire that created you and your partner from your ancestors…This fire needs tending, adapting and the time to make it harmonious, enjoyable and a united effort that you say it’s all worth it…all the hard work and adaptation. Celebrate you as you age; and move on with a quality of happiness you choose from your heart for yourself and with each other. Happy Intimacy Times Ahead for You.